


Oska Caught Me (Leaving Korea)

by fojee



Series: Not so Secret [2]
Category: Korean Drama, Secret Garden (TV)
Genre: M/M, Sidequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 03:26:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5481665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fojee/pseuds/fojee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The events of "Chasing Ssun" in Ssun's pov. (Mostly; except for the concert.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oska Caught Me (Leaving Korea)

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of the dialogue are the same, but I hope it reads as a distinct story, and that it adds something that wasn't there before. Please tell me what you think :)

Han Tae Ssun is fourteen when his father finds out. He has a stash of pictures under his mattress, photocopies from the library and pictures printed in secret. His father throws them in his face, and screams all sorts of obscenities at him. "I don't have a son like you! Get out and don't ever come back!" 

He looks to his mother for help, but she won't meet his eyes. He doesn't say anything. He just packs his things and leaves.

\---

Somewhere between his last gig at a club in Chungdam-dong and his decision to look for a seasonal job in Jeju, Han Tae Ssun seems to have acquired a stalker.

First some guy hands him a card and says he's from Oska's management company. It seems like a scam so he shoots him down. 

Then some guy starts calling him up, pretending to be famous. Tae Ssun isn't in the mood to play along. Then the guy starts singing (badly), and he hands over his phone to some girl whose eyes widen. She squeals and almost hyperventilates with sheer joy. 

So. He really was Oska? 

What could the Hallyu star possibly want with _him_? He looks down at the keyboard and runs his fingers lightly over the keys. "Don't sell it for cheap," he tells the man in the music store. "It's snobbish."

"You're not going to compose anymore?"

He says yes and means it. He has sold the keyboard because it's been half a year since he wrote anything new. Maybe he's just being impatient with himself. Or maybe he really is done--empty of songs, of words and melodies. The thought is unbearable, but he bears it anyway.

\---

Jeju feels like a mistake. Sure, he's earning money on the docks, but he has to shower twice after just to stop smelling like fish. And he doesn't know anybody so he doesn't even have anyone to complain to. He posts a picture on his site just to feel less lonely.

 _That_ was a mistake, too. His stalker shows up at the docks, brandishing a newspaper. Han Tae Ssun showers him with insults just to get him to leave, but when he taunts him about his seventh album, and how horrible his music is, Oska seems really interested in his opinion.

Ssun lists down everything, from the commercial melodies to the auto-tuned 'sessions' and the fake live shows. That's the worst for him. Why bother showing up if you weren't going to sing? "Why don't you be as honest as your effort in coming here?"

That night, Oska shows up again to tell Ssun that he can't stand being ignored. And he makes excuses about his singing before. "I wasn't in the right condition."

"So sing again," Tae Ssun says flatly.

The last thing he expects is for the man to do it. Tae Ssun wants to laugh, but he holds it in. There's something a little endearing about someone so clueless. Instead, he cuts him off and sneers. "You're not the kind of person to train me," he says. "You just want to shine on your own. I won't serve as your bridesmaid."

Tae Ssun works during the day and at nights, he has a semi-regular gig at the hotel restaurant. It pays almost as well as the fishing. But he's starting to hate gigs like these. He's just background noise to these people. He might as well be a machine making nature sounds. 

Nobody's really listening. Except tonight, there's somebody in the crowd whose eyes are drilling right through him. Tae Ssun feels it like a vise around his chest. It's that man again. Oska. When Ssun first saw him on the island, he couldn't believe his eyes. 

After the first phone call, he started to believe that he really was Oska. So the offer must be real, too. Offers like that don't just come out of nowhere. There has to be a catch. So Tae Ssun looked him up. He waded through pages and pages of articles about the man's scandal with dozens of girls. He watched the videos and concert clips and listened to the songs. And he found the catch: Oska is a selfish, egotistic fool. And he can't even sing that well. 

And now he is still on the island, still following him around, still convinced that he only needs to ask and Ssun would say yes. 

After his shift, as expected, Oska intercepts his walk home, and tells him, "You're right. You shouldn't come to me. It's not cool to be jealous of your apprentice. Keep singing! But you can't go to anyone else. Then goodbye." And he walks away.

Ssun crosses his arms. Is he supposed to be impressed by that bullshit?

\---

He gets a day shift at the restaurant, but when he shows up, the place is empty, except for three people all sitting in one table.

He recognizes one of them, and the anger rises within him like water boiling over. Oska booked the whole place to show him how much power and money he has? It's a low blow, especially for a musician who's desperate for an audience. With effort, Tae Ssun breathes through the rage constricting his throat, and focuses on the song. His fingers know the way, and his voice follows on cue. 

"Han yeojaga geudaereul saranghamnida. Geu yeojaneun yeolshimhi saranghamnida..."

It's a simple song, one that he wrote during a frustrating non-relationship the year before. The feelings have faded by now, but the song brings it back a little, and he feels the same loneliness threatening to choke him. He gets through the song. And walks out. He's supposed to be doing the whole lunch hour, but he just can't do it.

Of course, Oska follows him.

"I told you I wouldn't serve as a bridesmaid," Tae Ssun tells him.

Oska grabs his arm. "I told you I already gave up on that. But that song..."

"What about it?"

"You're really talented, you know. It's just such a waste," Oska murmurs. 

Ssun loses his temper. "You're talking about waste? What did you think you were doing today?What, booking the whole place? The hallyu star who can play at the Tokyo stadium can play with someone else's stage? What do you think you can teach me?"

Oska denies it. "I haven't taken your stage as a joke. I haven't looked down at you until now. Because everybody is better than me. You told me to be honest and that takes effort you know."

Tae Ssun doesn't know what else to say. The words of humility doesn't belong on Oska's lips. He's a little annoyed that he thinks he's got the other man figured out, and then Oska turns around and surprises him again. "While I'm saying this nicely, let go of me."

"Then say it badly," Oska retorts. To his ears it sounds a little bit like flirting, and Tae Ssun realizes his heart is pounding. 

This won't do. So he blurts out three words guaranteed to get the man as far away from him as possible. "I like men."

Oska looks shocked. "You're talking crazy! Do you really want to get rid of me that badly? Well okay, so... Isn't that a personal preference? So what?" 

"Is that what you think?" Tae Ssun says, stepping closer to him. Half of him is relieved--and half resentful--when Oska leans away from him. For a second he thinks of coming even closer, of pushing the older man against something and _really_ giving him something to be scared of.

"I'll think it over again," Oska mumbles.

"Chickening out?" Tae Ssun scoffs before pulling away and leaving.

\---

Oska drops his mp3 player at the restaurant, and Tae Ssun picks it up. 

Why did he have to listen to it? Curiosity? But then the first notes of the title song reach his ears, and he sits up, hands curling into fists, his nails biting deep into his own flesh. 

It can't be.

It's the same melody as the song he wrote three years ago. The lyrics had been changed a little, but not enough to really differentiate it. 

Three years ago, he wasn't even in Korea. So what was his song doing in Oska's seventh album?

\---

When he finds out that Oska has checked out of the hotel, he heads to the airport. Then Han Tae Ssun makes sure to follow the women talking excitedly and taking photos. They lead him straight to Oska. He hands over the mp3 player, explaining where he found it. Then he watches in irritation as Oska waves to the crowd and tells them he loves them, and then that he loves himself, too. 

"I wondered why you're popular even though you can't sing. It's because you're attractive like a bimbo." Ssun hesitates a little, wondering if Oska will think Ssun has a crush on him. Which he _doesn't_. "I put a song in there you need to listen to." 

But Oska doesn't seem to get it. "What? Did you put some strange songs in my player?"

Tae Ssun scoffs. "You're so imaginative and good-looking. Do you need to be a singer? Be an actor instead. Music doesn't suit you."

"But I'm not good at acting either," Oska mutters through gritted teeth behind him as he walks away.

It makes him grin, but he doesn't let the man see it.

\---

He hasn't bought a ticket yet, but even though the deposit is small, between that and his earnings from Jeju, he can maybe survive a couple of months abroad. He tells his landlady his plans when she asks. "I'm going to leave Korea."

"Where do you think you're going to go?" Someone says at the bottom of the stairs. It's Oska. The other man grabs him and pulls him close and accuses him of leaking his song. "You don't feel confident enough to take responsibility? You wanted to pull a fast one on me, so you packed your bags? It was you, wasn't it?" 

The accusation hurt. Ssun denies it. "It wasn't me." But Oska doesn't buy it.

"Why else are you running away?"

"I don't live in one place," Ssun says. "Why don't you look into your staff? In cases like these, they're usually involved." He's trying to be helpful. He almost feels bad for the man. After all, he's not the one who plagiarized the song, a fact he realizes when he finds out the name of the supposed songwriter.

But Oska ignores his words and grabs his luggage. Ssun stumbles after him towards his car.

"What'll you do if you find out it wasn't me? You'll be embarrassed," he says as a threat.

"I'm already used to being embarrassed." Oska says over his shoulder. 

\---

He's all set to fight for his innocence, but when they reach Oska's place, his manager is already in contact with the police, and they give him the location of the IP address of the computer that leaked the song. Gangnam. 

When Oska asks him, "You live in Gangnam?" Ssun rolls his eyes. He couldn't even afford to _loiter_ in Gangnam. 

"You just saw where I lived."

"That's Seul's company," his manager interjects.

He doesn't know who Seul is, but he couldn't resist the chance to say, "You must have many enemies." Oska seems like that kind of man.

"Shut up. You're not in the clear yet." Oska turns to leave, looking all kinds of distracted, but not before saying over his shoulder, "Tie him up."

Ssun eyes the other man, while the assistant explains who he is.

"Who are you to make Oska's life miserable? Are you that confident in your music?" He asks.

So this was the manager. If Tae Ssun had said yes in the first place, he would have been working under this guy. Except the man obviously has no clue who he is.

But when he mouths off, the man just smirks. "You have the same attitude as Oska's."

He wants to deny it. But the words lodge in his throat.

\---

He stays behind even after the other two head home. He doesn't know why, except maybe that he feels a little bit responsible for the mess even if it clearly isn't his fault.

Then Oska comes home looking like crap, and tells him to stay the night.

"Ah, you just need a scapegoat," Ssun says, but Oska's hurt look stops him in his tracks.

"It's raining, and I don't feel up to driving you anywhere, so just stay here." The offer sounds so logical, but it feels like another piece to the puzzle that just doesn't fit. Oska is supposed to be self-centered, right? Why is he sounding so generous and kind right now? 

(And why does he look heart-broken?)

Tae Ssun looks at his slumped form on the couch, a complicated expression on his face.

He stays.

The house is big enough for the both of them. But music carries in such a space. And in the middle of the night, Tae Ssun is woken up by the strains of sound, the piano music sometimes heartbreakingly poignant, sometimes jarringly discordant, like bits and pieces of a song that hasn't decided yet what it will become.

The sound eventually stops, and staring up at the ceiling, he asks himself, "What the fuck am I still doing here?"

He doesn't have an answer. 

\---

He calls the songwriter and makes her give a public apology. She's one of those girls who used to hang all over him, following his gigs and trying to get his music to the right hands. All that stopped when she found out his preferences. She treated it like a personal betrayal, like he was just using her all along. 

He can hear her contempt color her voice over the phone. She doesn't want to do the apology, but Tae Ssun threatens her that he'll sue if she doesn't do it. She's cornered and she knows it.

Then someone reaches out to him, a woman named Yoon Seul. Han Tae Ssun meets with her in a cafe. 

Ssun has just dyed his hair red on a whim. He's staying at a friend's place and wondering why he hasn't left the country yet. Still in denial, maybe... But he had never been that great at lying to himself.

The woman in front of him grates on his nerves even as she offers to sign him onto her company. She apparently found out that the original song that was plagiarized was his. His friends in London called it 'Ssun' even though he had given it a proper name. Those punks and their big mouths. There's also an edge in her smile that Tae Ssun interprets as her knowing things about him that he'd rather not.

But she seems determined, even though Ssun already refused her twice. "Why are you helping me anyway?" He doesn't trust offers like these that seem to fall down from the sky. It reminds him of Oska. 

"Because I like your music. When no one else has acknowledged you, when no one else gave you a second look, just remember that _I_ recognized you first," she finishes her spiel smugly.

 _No, you didn't. Oska did._ Tae Ssun corrects her in his head, and has to look away to stop himself from flushing. He takes the envelope with the contract just to shut her up.

He's not planning to sign with her though. There's always something so final about that act, signing your name to something. It feels like a chain clamped on his leg. He won't do it. He needs to be free. Even if it means being alone.

Still, he'll hear her out. The offer might be useful in other ways--getting him introduced to producers or other musicians, for example. He'll play her game.

\---

The article comes out online. It names Han Tae Ssun as the original composer of Oska's title song, and he groans when he reads it. He has another appointment with Yoon Seul that day, so he figures the timing is deliberate. 

Just as he arrives at the coffeeshop, his phone rings. It's Oska. "Where are you?"

Amazingly enough, the man arrives first. He takes the seat across from him and asks point-blank. "Why didn't you tell me it was you all along?"

Ssun throws the question right back at him. Yoon Seul found him, didn't she? Oska could have done the same, if he only tried.

"Was it fun? Watching my life turn into a circus?"

"Yes. My heart fluttered," Ssun says, turning the true words to lies with a twist of his mouth. "I knew you would come looking for me." He leans forward across the table, because it worked so well last time to discomfit the other man.

But Oska leans forward too. Ssun doesn't even hear the man's words. His heart is pounding so hard. 

He's not sure what to do next when Yoon Seul interrupts, turning her round eyes on Oska. "Oh, you're here, too, Choi Woo Young? Why, are you making Han Tae Ssun a counter-offer?" 

Oska's real name on her lips feels wrong to him. "Do you two know each other?" He asks just to have something to say, even as he watches the expressions chase themselves on Oska's face. Whoever this woman is, she's clearly Somebody to him. 

Yoon Seul gives a vague excuse, and promises him. "I'll take better care of you than this man. All he knows to do is use people." The words are barbed and razor-sharp and Oska obviously feels the hit.

But he's still looking at Ssun. "Are you signing a contract with her?"

He tries to say no, but the word wouldn't leave his mouth. "At least she bothered to find out who I am," he says instead. 

"But you promised me you wouldn't go to anyone but me."

Tae Ssun scoffs. "I don't make promises like that. I always end up getting deceived." He then tells him to leave. 

Oska walks out, but Tae Ssun's no longer in the mood to negotiate, and neither is Yoon Seul. They talk aimlessly, circling around the topic of Oska before they decide to give up on getting anything done.

He sort of expects Oska to stick around outside the coffeeshop, and feels something like disappointment when nobody follows him as he heads back to his friend's place. Really, nobody should get used to a stalker like this.

\---

He was messing around at Seul's studio when Oska walks in, telling him to prepare for his concert. 

Oska found out that he had talked with the songwriter. "Why did you do that?"

"I was worried about you." It is so easy to say something and make it sound like the complete opposite of what he means. It's a skill he learns early, hiding in plain sight. In the end, though, it fails him, because he can't bear to hide anymore. 

Would the day come, too, that he wouldn't be able to hide his feelings for Oska?

\---

Then Songwriter Kwon changes her tune. Now she's saying that Oska _knew_ about the plagiarism. As soon as he hears the news, Han Tae Ssun rushes over to her office. 

"What are you?" He asks as soon as he sees her. "If I didn't sue you and let you go, you should just stay quiet. Why are you acting like this?"

"I should have done it like this in the first place," she tells him calmly. "You're in front of me now, aren't you? Are you still gay?" Tae Ssun inhales sharply even as she continues. "I wonder if one's sexual orientation can be changed." She is mocking him without batting an eyelash.

"Shut up!" He cuts her off. "What did Oska do wrong? Who do you blame for your lack of ability? I told you to do something else." 

"So I'm doing something else, after forgetting about a person like you." Her emphasis on the last word is full of disgust.

Then Oska walks into the room as well. He only looks taken aback for a second. "That's right. You two know each other." Tae Ssun can't look him in the eye. Oska doesn't seem to notice, turning instead to the songwriter and asking her, "Why did you do this? What did I ever do to you?"

"For a man who lacks talent as much as you, you looked down on everyone else. Thanks to your family background, you became a hallyu star. You don't even know what's good, but you always ask for good songs." She turns everything around, making it like it's Oska's fault for trampling on her songs, and treating people like crap. "I just told one lie, but everyone said 'I knew it'."

Then she says she can change her mind again if he offers money. "I'm over in this field. So I need to at least receive some money." 

Her shamelessness is unbelievable. Tae Ssun looks over at Oska. The other man's frustration is written all over his face. 

When they leave, Oska drags him along and he doesn't say a word.

But then he stops the car on the side of the road and turns to him. "Did she say anything about you, too? Don't listen to her." 

Tae Ssun stares at him. "Are you worried about me right now?" Oska's attempt at comforting him just makes the guilt weigh even heavier on his shoulders. Oska is just a victim of that woman's anger at him.

"Don't look at me like that. I don't deserve it," Oska says. 

Tae Ssun doesn't want to do it either. But his heart's all over the place. And he can't help but feel what he feels.

He listens quietly while Oska tells his manager that he won't cough up the money. When they start talking about the cancelled concert, he just wants to run away.

But Oska seems to read what's on his mind. "Just stay over tonight," he says, and then covers Tae Ssun's eyes with his hand. The touch is warm on his skin. 

With eyes closed, Tae Ssun finds it easier to speak, and he almost blurts out his history with that woman. But Oska transfers his hand over Ssun's mouth. "It's not your fault. Go on and wash up. I'll make sure there's food soon."

He wants to lean in to the touch. It's been ages and ages since anyone last let him close like this. But that's the very reason he pulls away and leaves. If he had stayed, he doesn't know what he'd do. Throw himself into Oska's arms? No way. 

He'd rather die.

\---

Oska asks him to move in for the holidays.

Ssun wants to say no, but he's worried about the man. Christmas is a bad enough time for people who are alone. The misery is compounded by what Oska has gone through these past few weeks. They might as well share it. 

And anyway, the place he's staying at is small and cramped, and his friend wants to invite his girlfriend over on Christmas Eve, so it's easier to just say yes. 

It's there in Oska's house that the song comes into being. Tae Ssun records a bare bones version of it on his phone, and commandeers Oska's piano while the man is out visiting his cousin. His hands fly over the keys and he sings over the lump in his throat. The music he thought he is empty of, all this time, it's just been waiting for a muse. 

For Oska. That's what he titles the song when he saves it. It's a little bittersweet somehow.

\---

He's not much of a cook, and Oska seems like he's never stepped foot in the kitchen, so they both rely on the ahjummas that come and go in the house. He's conscious of their eyes on him. They seem neutral when offering to do his laundry, or serving him food and drinks, but they must wonder too, why he's there.

It's not like he and Oska are friends, aren't they?

Even though Oska plays some classic songs on the piano, and they end up singing together almost all night on Christmas. Even though they share almost all their meals with each other. Even though Oska never actually tells him to leave, and he has to force himself to pack his clothes, and disappear. 

They're not friends, aren't they? He's just not precisely sure what they are.

\---

"I can't sign with you," he finally says straight out to Yoon Seul's offer.

She keeps her cool. "Can you do me a favor instead?" She asks him.

When he hears it, he says yes in spite of himself. 

They work together to clear Oska's name. They approach several musicians who have worked with Songwriter Kwon, but none of them are interested in getting embroiled in the scandal. 

Finally, the ahjumma wrangles a meeting with Chae Ri, who according to rumor, had also recorded that same song. She has a history with Oska, so she's reluctant to come forward, but Yeul believes she can be persuaded. For some celebrities, even that kind of publicity is welcome.

Then Oska shows up at the meeting. Tae Ssun watches him; he looks a little worn and haggard. The scandal has really taken its toll on him.

Chae Ri doesn't seem willing either, but she agrees eventually. Tae Ssun finds out why when she leans towards him. "How old are you? Do you have a girlfriend?"

He can see Oska open his big mouth, so he interrupted, saying as calmly as he could. "I have someone I like."

"You do?" Oska asks. 

Tae Ssun glares at him and changes the subject. After Chae Ri leaves, he is aware of the tension between Yoon Seul beside him and Oska from across the table. 

When Yoon Seul stands up to go, Oska grabs her hand and asks Tae Ssun to wait outside. He glares at that hand, remembering when Oska would grab ahold of _him_ , but it's such a stupid thing to be jealous about.

He walks out of the coffeeshop and heads straight to Yoon Seul's office. He waits for her, and asks her straight out if she just used him to get to Oska. The contract offer is just an excuse to make him a pawn in her game.

She doesn't even blink. "We aren't close enough to have a lover's quarrel."

"So what kind of relationship do the two of you have?" Tae Ssun asks bluntly.

"What does that have to do with you?" She shoots back.

"Do you know that Oska came all the way to Jeju Island to scout me? He even cancelled the shooting of his MV." Oska's assistant had told him all about it. Han Tae Ssun feels like a kid bragging, or just whining because his toy is in danger of getting stolen by someone else, but the words won't stop coming out of his mouth. "I can't remember exactly how many times he came after me every time I changed my part-time job."

She laughs, though her eyes are a little wider. "Do you know you sound like a woman who is jealous of me because of a man?"

"You're very perceptive, ahjumma," he says, and stands up and walks out. He doesn't know why he does it. Maybe her confidence just grates at him. She's beautiful and rich. While he, being who and what he is, has no chance at all, because there is no way that Oska would pick him, right?

\---

The thought is enough, however, to awaken within him the old urge to run away. 

Oska calls him up again, and as soon as he sees him, berates him for not staying put outside the coffeeshop. Oska seems to have heard that he refused Yoon Seul's offer, and hands him another contract. "Sign this. I need to put a leash on you at least. I came all this way, so you should just surrender."

Han Tae Ssun has had enough of this see-saw of emotions, so he comes right out and asks. "Why do you keep bothering me? Do you like me?"

"Do you think I'd be doing this if I didn't like you?"

He can't seem to get enough air in his lungs. "I told you I like guys," he says. 

"Go ahead. I'm sure you could charm a lot of guys the way you talk, you brat," Oska retorts. "Since you helped me, we're friends now, right? And if it continues, it might become destiny."

Tae Ssun wants to pin the man down and get an actual answer from him, but he has exhausted his quota of bravery for the day. "I'm leaving Korea," he mutters under his breath.

Oska seems to think it's all a ploy to drive him crazy. He grabs Ssun's mp3 player as hostage before leaving. 

Tae Ssun can't help smiling at that last foolish gesture. As if that would be reason enough to stay. He goes ahead and buys a ticket to China.

\---

Except that he forgets about the song he just wrote that's in the player. And at the airport Oska comes for him and when Tae Ssun refuses to budge, he scoops him up over his shoulder and carries him all the way to his car, dumping him on the passenger seat.

Tae Ssun could probably have gotten away. The man is strong, but Ssun is taller and can make it harder for him. He could make a scene in the middle of the crowded airport. But they were _already_ making a scene, so what was the point?

His face remains red all the way home.

And then Oska has the gall to confiscate his passport. Tae Ssun doesn't surrender it without a fight, but Oska wrestles him to his living room floor and pins him there with his arms and legs.

Tae Ssun stares up at him, completely at a loss for words.

There is a way that a man looks at another man. Even as inexperienced as he is, he can read that much of people. Seeing that look on Oska's face is disconcerting. Oska scrambles up and Tae Ssun follows.

Later, he second-guesses himself. Is it just wishful thinking? Did he just imagine it?

\---

He sets about rewriting Oska's seventh album with him, after throwing out all the old songs, because they really are horrible. They have a three month deadline. At the end of it, either Ssun or Oska might be literally dead, probably at each other's hand. Even at his most prolific, he'd never forced himself to write so many songs in so limited a time. It's halfway between heaven and hell. 

Oska gives him the title of producer, and for days at a time he's either on the piano at Oska's house, or at the studio. But the songs appear one after the other, like he's stored up all his music for the last half year and they're all coming out now. 

When he's not composing, Oska sings to him. Cheesy songs, old hits, bad renditions of Western pop songs, even some Japanese stuff. It helps to give Tae Ssun a better idea of Oska's range, and he adjusts his songs accordingly. Of course, it doesn't mean he makes it _easy_ on the singer. He'd have to _work_ on being able to sing some of those notes. Especially since one of Ssun's conditions is that he actually sing live for the concert.

The words are Oska's, though Ssun ruthlessly edits out anything that's too sentimental. They have all sorts of conversations, too, about anything but music. Things like movies they love, or the places they've both been to, funny stories they heard... Ssun's careful not to reveal too much of his past, but he enjoys the give and take, the push and pull. And the conversations serve another purpose; Oska's songs take on some of the themes and flavor of their stories. Some of them are funny, while others are painful and heartbreaking. But either way, the emotions ring true. And in spite of his complaints, Ssun thinks with a little pride that it'll be Oska's best album yet.

When he inevitably goes stir-crazy, Oska drags him out all over the city at odd hours of the night. They walk the streets listening to music on his player. That's part of the process, too, and Oska practices some songs, working out the words as he goes. They both settle on a title for the album: 'A Love that Endures.' 

It's not something Tae Ssun believes in. But it's something his heart still (foolishly) yearns for. 

One day, after a practice run on the piano at home, Ssun feels Oska wrap his arm around his shoulder. He stiffens, heart starting to race. But Oska just pulls him closer. 

"Someone hurt you a lot, didn't they?" 

"It's none of your business." Tae Ssun tries to pull away, but Oska's arm is too heavy and his grip too tight.

"We're friends, aren't we?" There's that word again. Tae Ssun's a little sick of hearing it. He _has_ friends. Oska is most definitely _not_ a friend.

But Oska soldiers on despite his silence. "Should I tell you my tale of woe and heartbreak? When you're broke and desperate, you can go sell it to the tabloids." He grins at Ssun, but it's forced and they both know it. 

So Ssun listens while Oska tells him about Yoon Seul. The ahjumma's actions become clearer now. She loves and hates Oska in equal measure. She used Ssun (and Oska's cousin) to drive him crazy, but when Oska was in trouble, she tried to help him. So love is like this? It leaves its mark like this? Will Ssun feel the same way, too, after they finish the album? After he leaves, and Oska finds something else to obsess over? Maybe not. One-sided feelings does not lead to love; it's just a pathetic infatuation. He's had crushes before; he knows the feelings will fade. But why is his heart hurting so much now? 

When Oska's done, he leans his head on Tae Ssun's shoulder, and whispers. "I guess I'm really a horrible person."

Even feeling the way he does, he doesn't want Oska to hurt. So he awkwardly tries to comfort him. "Most people are like that. Most people can only see themselves." Love can be selfish. If they are uncertain about the other person's feelings, they feel the urge to possess them. But then again, if they are sure of love, that can be selfish too. Because then the other person is taken for granted. 

Oska turns to face him, his breath fanning on Ssun's cheek. "It must be harder for _you_ to find love." 

He turns away on instinct, eyes closing tightly. "I never actually found it. There are just people who want things from you, people who use you and then throw you away, people who think it's funny to play with your feelings."

Oska pulls up that. "Are you talking about me?"

In spite of himself, Tae Ssun lets out an undignified giggle, then covers his mouth, wishing he could take it back.

But Oska uses it as an excuse to tickle his side. He manages to fight back, though he's choking on his own laughter. He wins, though looking at Oska's flushed and smiling face, he's not sure that he hasn't lost after all. There's an emptiness in his gut. There's a crack in his heart. And he's wondering, how long will this happiness last?

\---

Living in each other's pocket like this, Tae Ssun learns about Oska's surfaces, and about his depths. He has a family that he loves. Though Ssun only meets the cousin who lives next door, Oska's always texting another cousin, a young woman who seems to be the only one to genuinely like his music. And he talks to his mother often. 

And then some nights, Oska falls into a funk and he pulls out bottles of hard liquor, and he orders Ssun to leave him alone to his wallowing. He has a horrible hangover the day after, and cannot work at all, so it annoys and worries Tae Ssun. 

The other man comes off a little manic-depressive. It's like Oska's been dancing brazenly on a tightrope all this time, pretending the black hole under his feet does not exist. Ssun feels helpless in the face of that.

Even though he knows it's wrong, he's a little glad when Oska's cousin falls apart. Something about his girlfriend getting into a car accident. She survives but is in a coma. Ssun sees yet another side of Oska. A caring and selfless man, who forces his cousin to eat and tucks him in to bed. 

He thinks that will help break Oska's drunken routine, but then the man reaches for a bottle again. This time, Ssun grabs for it, too, and takes a big gulp. It burns all the way down, and it takes all his willpower not to cough it out.

"Ya! That's mine! Get your own!" Ssun holds the bottle high above Oska's head.

"Your liver must be in a sad state by now."

"Yeah well it's my heart I want to pickle," Oska replies.

That hurt. For a second, he feels it almost like a physical blow. "You still love that ahjumma?" Tae Ssun asks softly.

"I don't deserve to love her," Oska mutters. "I don't deserve to love you, too." 

Tae Ssun's heart stops. He's not sure he hears it right, so he remains silent. But when Oska tries to get up, he steps forward and grabs ahold of his arm and back to steady him.

"My hero," Oska says with a fake swoon. Then he wraps his arms around Ssun who refuses to read anything else in it beyond a man's drunken antics.

"Come on. I'll take you to bed. You need to sleep it off." But an unsteady Oska is difficult to herd in the right direction. He's heavy, and his arms are tight around Ssun.

"You're all skin and bones," he murmurs. "I'll have to fatten you up." And then he leans forward and bites Ssun's shoulder through his t-shirt.

The pain makes him hiss, but it also goes straight to his dick, and he holds still even as Oska moves his mouth to the base of his neck. Tae Ssun bites his bottom lip to keep the moan from escaping his throat. Oska's tongue laves the tendon of his neck and then his teeth scrapes the same spot. Tae Ssun is about two second away from reciprocating--he's desperate to know how Oska _tastes_ like--but then Oska lets out a giggle.

He feels it like a bucket of cold water poured over him. It's all just a joke to Oska. _He's_ just a joke to Oska. Tae Ssun pushes the man away, watching with considerable satisfaction when he hits the floor on his ass. The pain seems to sober him up a little.

So Tae Ssun looks him in the eye and tells him, "Don't fucking play with me." And then he walks away before Oska could see how hard he is, or how much his hands are shaking.

That night he tosses and turns in the comfortable bed in Oska's guest room. A room that's starting to feel like home. Then he gives in and slides a hand under the waistband of his sweatpants, and strokes his dick. It doesn't take much, just closed eyes, and a memory of Oska's arms around him, his mouth on his flesh, the way he smells of alcohol, expensive aftershave and musk. He stuffs a fist into his mouth as he comes. 

\---

Tae Ssun doesn't know what to expect. Maybe that Oska would repress it all in a drunken haze. He wouldn't be the first man to try something under the influence, and then deny it all once he sobers up. Tae Ssun has never had a boyfriend, but he's had a lot of hook-ups at bar bathrooms. Handjobs and blowjobs, or just make-outs with people whose names he doesn't even remember. They all disappear come morning. The rare time that he sees them again, all he gets are blank looks. 

But Oska's never been predictable. Instead of avoiding him, in fact, Oska keeps _touching_ him. 

Tae Ssun holds still whenever it happens, but then he figures it might be Oska's way of apologizing, by acting the way he always does. It's still a novelty, to be treated like this. Even old friends of his keep to their boundaries, as if afraid he'll misconstrue their physical affection for something else.

So he lets it happen, and even retaliates. The chance to touch Oska back is too good to pass up. 

But then, as if his reciprocation encourages him, Oska pulls him over to the piano bench and takes a seat behind him. There's nothing innocent about the position. His back lines up against Oska's chest, and their thighs are touching. Oska's feet rub against Ssun's ankles, and his arms slide over his waist. His breath raises the hair at the back of Ssun's neck. 

When he struggles, Oska's hold just tightens, so he speaks, voice a little unsteady. "Are you having fun? Are you having a laugh after toying with me like this? Let go of me right now." His voice breaks on the last word.

Ssun can't help the shiver when Oska sighs against his neck. "I like you." 

The words are simple, stark. There's nothing in them to suggest that Oska's telling a joke. So of course, it scares the crap out of him. He struggles again. This time, Oska loosens his grip, and Ssun stands up. He's all set to walking out of the room, but Oska manages to grab his arm, and he repeats those words. "I like you, you brat. So stop being mad."

Tae Ssun's heart fills three times too big for his ribcage. There's a roar in his ears, and for a second he feels lightheaded. "I don't believe you."

Oska smiles sadly at him. "I know you don't. So don't do anything and just accept what I give you. I will earn your trust." It sounds like a promise.

Tae Ssun opens his mouth even though he has no idea what he's going to say, but just then Oska's cousin walks in. He takes the chance he's given and runs away again.

\---

He wants to shut himself in his room, and just take the time to get his emotions under control. But something happens to Oska's cousin. By then, the ahjummas like him enough that they answer when he asks. Oska's cousin drove somewhere with his injured girlfriend. By the time they were found, he was in a coma, too, though he woke up soon enough.

He finds Oska with a drink in his hand. He sits down beside him, and just listens. He doesn't really understand what Oska is saying. Something about how that man isn't really his Joo Won. Something about winning, something about loving. He doesn't want to read too much into it, and just lets him babble. 

He wishes he can touch him, can sink his fingers into the man's hair, and croon words of comfort into his ear. Instead, he waits until Oska runs out of words, then Ssun guides him to his feet and leads him to his room. 

Oska grabs Ssun's wrist before he could leave. "Will you stay with me tonight? Please?" It's the please that convinces him. It sounds so odd on Oska's lips.

So Ssun slips under the covers on the other side of the bed. It's big enough to fit maybe three of him, but he's careful to keep his distance anyway. Except Oska has other ideas, burrowing closer and wrapping an arm around him. He stills, unsure what to do next, but Oska's too tired to do more than mumble. "Let's just sleep, Ssun-ah. Don't leave me." 

Tae Ssun sighs and turns on his side, meeting Oska's eyes. He looks pale and small, like he's grieving. Ssun resists the urge to cover his face with kisses. But Oska pulls him close and gives him a chaste kiss on the forehead. Ssun's throat tightens at that affectionate gesture. "Good night. Thank you," Oska murmurs before falling asleep. 

In the silence of the room, broken only by Oska's soft breaths, Ssun confesses, "I like you too." 

He would have said more, but the words lodge in his throat. He runs a thumb on Oska's lips, then smooths the frown between the man's brows. Oska sighs and tugs him closer. Ssun slides an arm around the other man's shoulder, and gives in to the urge to sink his hand into Oska's hair. He tries his hardest to hold onto this moment until sleep claims him, too.

\---

They're in the middle of practice when Oska gets a call. Tae Ssun frowns, but it's the man's mother, so he waves him away. Then after running through the song a few times on the piano, someone clears their throat, and he looks up. 

It's Yoon Seul.

It irks him that she just walks into Oska's house like she owns it. But he doesn't let her see his reaction.

"Are you living here now?" She asks, her hands on her hips.

"So what if I am?"

Her eyes narrow and Ssun feels it as she looks him up and down. "Weren't you leaving Korea?"

"I was..." Ssun starts to say.

"Then maybe you don't love him enough. Maybe you don't deserve him." Her words are vicious but the expression she is wearing suggests the words are for herself, rather than Ssun.

"Of course I don't deserve him," Ssun says almost gently.

"Then why are you still here? Why did you stay?" She asks, her voice low and trembling.

"You said it isn't easy to meet someone who recognizes your value." Ssun uses her own words. "Well Oska's that person for me. He chased after me with his foolish sincerity."

"Did he really?" She asks, almost wistful.

Ssun doesn't like the pity that rushes just below his ribcage. He looks at his hands. "Believe it or not, I tried my best to leave. But he caught me. Oska caught me." _And now I'm trapped. I had a taste and so I feel greedy for his love,_ he wants to add but he saw Oska standing at the doorway, and swallowed down the words. 

He let the two of them talk. 

He really thought Oska was getting back with the ahjumma. But that doesn't seem to be the case. Is it his fault? The thought should be satisfying, but it only makes his heart hurt.

\---

They don't talk about it. Ssun drags Oska screaming and kicking to the studio and it's all work, work, work. Here, at least, he can see the trajectory of their progress. The songs are coming together, and the setlist for the concert is almost complete. Oska's busy, too; between dance practices and rehearsals, he doesn't have much time to whine.

And then the other shoe drops.

Oska's mother calls him up. He's not sure how she got his number, but her voice on the other end of the line feels like a handful of snow down his back. They meet at a coffeeshop. When she first sees him, he reads the disbelief and contempt on her face. He should be used to this by now, but Oska talks about his mom sometimes, and almost always with fond exasperation. He _wants_ to like her. Even though it's not fair to expect _her_ to ever like _him_.

She doesn't mince words and pulls out a folder from her designer bag. "Do you think you're good enough for my son even if you weren't _that_?" She flicks a hand over him and the rings on her fingers glitter. "Why don't you tell me how much you want?"

Before he can speak, Oska appears dressed in red and white, like an avenging angel. "Ommoni, you are going to shut up and listen for once. This young man has done nothing to warrant this. His only sin is being amazingly gorgeous and talented and brilliant, and letting me cling to him like a leach. I will never do what you want me to do. And I'm going to continue to love this man no matter what you or the rest of the world says. So please just leave us alone."

She ignores her son entirely, and meets Ssun's gaze. "You didn't answer my question."

The money is tempting, of course, but it feels like a drama cliche, like this whole conversation isn't really happening, especially the part where Oska confesses to having actual feelings for _him_. It can't be real. If it is... how much exactly is that love worth? 

"I'm sorry, ahjumma. I don't think you can afford me. And anyway, your son's old enough to make his own choices." Ssun looks at Oska dead in the eye. "I'm not the wisest choice, but it's between him and me and not really any of your business."

"What? You rude-mannered, impudent brat. No wonder your parents threw you out and erased your name from your family register. No wonder you're practically homeless and keep sleeping in other people's houses. Do you sell your body too, you wretch..." He feels his ears burn, and his heart sinks to the floor. For a second, he wants to throw up.

He barely registers when Oska's hand closes on his arm. He stumbles to his feet. "Close your eyes and your ears and just follow me," he tells him. 

He finds himself obeying--his eyes are closed and he thinks he must be swaying, because Oska slides a hand up his back to hold him up. Ssun feels it like a lick of fire through the layers he is wearing. 

Oska gives his mother an ultimatum and leads Ssun out the door and into his car. Ssun's eyes are dry but they're burning. He closes them again, and just tries to breathe. His hands cover his face, as if that would push everything away. But in his mind, he's replaying those words. 

Since he left his parents' house, he had wandered around like a feral cat, subsisting on his friends' generosity and whatever work he could get. Once or twice he had picked pockets just to have something to eat. 

He never sold himself, but he had come close one winter a couple of years ago. He had gotten a bad cold and had lost his job. He had just about psyched himself into following a bald middle-aged man out into the alley for whatever he could get, when he had walked smack drab into an old grade school friend. A warm meal and a good night's sleep later and he could face the world again. 

The last few months had been the first in a long time that he had never felt hungry or cold. Oska made him tell the ahjummas all his favorite foods. He even made sure Ssun's clothes were warm enough whenever they went out. But it isn't just the physical things. Tae Ssun had soaked in Oska's attention. It woke something in him, something he can only name as greed. 

He returns to the present when he feels Oska's arms around him, his lips against Ssun's temple. The man is apologizing.

Ssun can't let him do that. But when he opens his mouth, all he can say is, "Why me? You can have anybody you could ever want, so why me?" 

Oska's face is uncharacteristically sober. "I don't think love is reasonable. I was prepared for this much from my mother. I'm just sorry I couldn't prepare you, too."

"Why would you tell her about us when we haven't even figured it out for ourselves?" Ssun shouts at him.

Oska grabs his hand. "Because no matter if you say yes or no to me, I won't change my mind."

It sounds too good to be true. Ssun's whole life is a testament that people are unreliable, that love is always conditional, that eventually people get tired of other people. He tries to knock some sense back into the older man. "You have everything to lose! You're just getting your career back in track. And there's the concert and the tour. If you fail here, you may never be able to try again."

But Oska only says, "I know. But I lost someone once, because I was too afraid of the consequences of loving them. I won't do that again."

 _Yoon Seul,_ Tae Ssun thinks dully. "You should get back with her. I know you still love each other," he says, but the man denies it. 

"There's only you now." Oska's words crowd him. If he could turn off his ears, he would. Words are easy anyway. Lies are a dime a dozen. 

But then Oska touches his face and leans forward to kiss him. Ssun can't hear anything over the rush of blood in his ears. All his defenses crumble. He can count on one hand the number of times he's been kissed. None of them were this tender. He inhales, and the scent combined with the other man's taste fill him to overflowing.

"Do you think I don't know the difference between what all those women were to me and what I feel about you? I'm not stupidly throwing away everything on a momentary passion, Han Tae Ssun. I'm in this for the long haul." Oska asks for a chance. 

"I'm scared," Ssun whispers.

"So am I. But I think I'd be less terrified if you're with me." 

He closes his eyes and yields. As if there was ever a question.

Oska kisses him again. This time Ssun gives as good as he got.

\---

Standing on the stage that night, Woo Young's knees are shaking. But he's had practice at faking it, at smiling at the world even when he feels broken inside. Maybe he's not as horrible an actor as he once confessed to Ssun. 

The songs feel different. Maybe it's just that the act of composing and recording them had been such an intimate and emotionally exhausting ordeal. When he sings them, his throat feels like there's a live coal stuck in it. Every note makes the ember glow, and he exhales the smoke, the little licks of flame, as the heat curls up on his tongue.

There are thousands of people in the stadium, but he's only thinking of one person in the crowd.

There's a gap in the set-list that Tae Ssun doesn't know about. Woo Young himself put it there. When the previous song dies away, he clenches his fist around the microphone and speaks through the fear. He thanks the audience, and then tells them a story. "A long time ago I loved a very special woman. But I let my fears and my pride get in the way and I let her go. It was a mistake, and one I promised myself I will never repeat again. Then I met someone new, and that promise got harder to keep. But I think if I didn't, I would regret it for the rest of my life. So everyone, I'd like to open up my heart to you."

He signals the security guy near the aisle and Ssun gets escorted onstage. When Ssun comes close enough, Woo Young holds out hand to him. "Please hold on to me and don't ever let go." Ssun hesitates for a moment that spans eternity, and then grabs his hand. The hand in his is clammy, and under the lights, Ssun is very, very pale. His face glows like the moon.

"Thank you," he chokes out. Then turns to the crowd to make his apologies, and ask for their support. He has no illusions about how many of them he'll lose before the night is over. But he can't erase the grin on his face. He feels Ssun's eyes on him and they're not warm; they're scorching hot. 

"Ssun, I don't know what you see in me. You're young and talented and gorgeous, while I am old and washed up. Maybe love is blind. But if that is so, please continue to close your eyes, and stay by my side." That's the cue for the next song. The one that Ssun wrote for him. 

He sings with his heart in his throat, and his eyes are full of tears but he blinks them back. Ssun looks at him like he's the answer to every question he has ever asked. The kid's usually cool and stiff, so the naked emotions drill right through Woo Young. As soon as he could, he hugs him to hide his face. He doesn't want anyone else to see it. It's his alone.

The song is the last for the night. The crowd is restless and torn and calls for an encore are unlikely. That suits Woo Young perfectly. He drags Ssun off-stage and they end up making out like teenagers against the wall in some out of the way hallway.

Ssun's body fits perfectly against his, and Woo Young drinks in the noises he is making. The world fades away to mere background noise. Woo Young cups the back of Ssun's neck, thinking _mine, mine, mine._

Ok so he still acts like he's five. Some things never change.

\---

They go on a date a few days later. Ssun could have told Oska how horrible an idea it was, but the man's not listening. They walk around some street vendors and he endures the pointed fingers, the whispers, the low sneers. 

Then near an alley, a group of girls ambushes Ssun and pelts him with eggs. Oska protects him, pushing him against the wall and covering him with his body. Ssun feels the same rage and helplessness that he felt when he was fourteen, and he would have pushed past Oska and maybe clawed their eyes out, or pulled their hair--he isn't much of a fighter--but Oska pushes him back. "Just stay like this, kid."

Ssun looks up at him, and Oska's face is full of guilt. Ssun can't help it. He kisses it away. The volume of the girls' voices rise higher and he also hears the distinct clicks of camera phones. 

\---

"It's going to get worse before it gets better," Joo Won informs them. "Your exes are lining up to do exclusives about you. Even the ones who signed non-disclosures. Our lawyers are going to get their money's worth suing them all."

Oska smirks at Ssun. "What do you say, kid? Wanna leave Korea?"

Ssun bursts out laughing.

End.

**Author's Note:**

> Made a playlist for this pairing called "Push and Pull." It's pretty hard to find songs that will do these two justice. And I tried to add songs that are a little bit funny...
> 
> http://8tracks.com/oofstudio/push-and-pull


End file.
